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Monsieur Gagne Meets Mr. Schilling
Psycho Fan Inc. has obtained an exclusive transcript of Eric Gagne's first visit to the Boston clubhouse, after the Red Sox acquired him from Texas at the trading deadline. Here's what transpired:
INT. - CLUBHOUSE - DAY
CURT SCHILLING has set up his customary podium in the center of the Red Sox clubhouse, and is orating with great force, might and bluster. Several players listen attentively. Others wander around the clubhouse wearing headphones.
CURT
...and THAT'S WHY we need a Constitutional Amendment banning poor people from public parks and federal buildings, AND why we need a new, more special Hall of Fame for when I get elected on the first ballot. God bless you.
DUSTIN PEDROIA, sitting cross-legged in front of the podium with COCO CRISP and KYLE SNIDER, puts down his pen and notepad and applauds rapturously.
DUSTIN
Bravo, Mr. Schilling, sir. Bravo!
CURT
Thank you, Dustin. I hope we've all learned a little something here today. What's this?
ERIC GAGNE strolls in the clubhouse, whistling a merry tune, carrying an equipment bag.
ERIC
Hello everyone. I am Monsieur Gagne, I am...how you say?...pleased to meet you. I come from the great land of Quebec, via the barren desert of Arlington, Texas. I am tres happy to be here in your fine city of Bos-ton.
CURT
Who is this clown and what's wrong with his voice?
TIM WAKEFIELD
That's Eric Gagne, Curt. He's our new stud relief pitcher, and that's a French accent. Eric's French-Canadian.
ERIC
C'est vrai.
Curt knocks his podium to the ground with loud clatter, and races across the clubhouse. He grabs Gagne by the shirt collar and pins him up against the clubhouse wall.
CURT
Listen, Frenchy, we don't need your kind here.
ERIC
Mais monsieur, I am not French. I am a proud French-Canadian. Allez les Nordiques! Oui?
CURT
I don't care what you are, Pepe Le Peu. Get your cowardly, art-loving derriere out of our American locker room!
TIM
Curt...Curt...let him go. He's going to be helping our team a lot.
CURT
Shut up, you pinko knuckleballer. Try throwing a God-fearing American fastball, then get back to me.
ERIC
Please, let me go.
CURT
(fake sobs)
Oh...boo hoo...please...please let me go. TYPICAL FUCKING FRENCHMAN. You pussy...is that what you guys said during World War II to the Nazis? Please, sirs, let us go?
ERIC
Actually, I am from Canada, I must point out again...
CURT
And is that what you said when we asked you to help get that evildoer Saddam Hussein out of power? Thanks for your help fighting terrorism, Jacques Cousteau.
ERIC
I must admit, I do not agree with your American crusade in Iraq. Ze cost in human life is not worth...
CURT
THAT'S WHAT I FUCKING THOUGHT.
Curt punches Eric in the stomach, and Eric doubles over in pain. Tim and MIKE LOWELL try to restrain Curt, but he breaks free of their grasp, runs to his locker and grabs his large American flag. He runs back to Eric, still doubled over, and bashes the flag over his head, breaking the wooden pole in half. DAISUKE MATSUZAKA tries to pull Curt away, but Curt turns and stabs him in the arm with the shard of the flagpole.
CURT
That's for Pearl Harbor, asshole.
Curt kicks Daisuke in the balls.
DAISUKE
性交
CURT
And that's for not accepting the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior, like I asked you to in spring training.
TIM
Please Curt, this has to stop. You're decimating our pitching staff for the stretch run.
CURT
Well, I guess there is one thing that could calm me down.
TIM
Oh, no. Right here, in front of everyone?
Curt gives Daisuke an Indian burn.
TIM
OK, OK!!
Tim races to the clubhouse phone and calls THEO EPSTEIN.
TIM
Theo, you better get down here. Schilling needs some...uh...attention.
Theo sprints from his office upstairs to the clubhouse. He surveys the damage.
THEO
I'm here, everything's going to be OK. Calm down everybody.
Theo walks up to Curt and gently caresses his cheek.
THEO
Curt, remember how I convinced you to come to Boston in the first place? That one special Thanksgiving? AMERICAN Thanksgiving, that is, not that jacked up Canadian version.
CURT
I remember, T.
Theo drops to his knees in front of Curt, and slowly unzips his pants.
CURT
God bless America.
Monsieur Gagne Meets Mr. Schilling
Psycho Fan Inc. has obtained an exclusive transcript of Eric Gagne's first visit to the Boston clubhouse, after the Red Sox acquired him from Texas at the trading deadline. Here's what transpired:
INT. - CLUBHOUSE - DAY
CURT SCHILLING has set up his customary podium in the center of the Red Sox clubhouse, and is orating with great force, might and bluster. Several players listen attentively. Others wander around the clubhouse wearing headphones.
CURT
...and THAT'S WHY we need a Constitutional Amendment banning poor people from public parks and federal buildings, AND why we need a new, more special Hall of Fame for when I get elected on the first ballot. God bless you.
DUSTIN PEDROIA, sitting cross-legged in front of the podium with COCO CRISP and KYLE SNIDER, puts down his pen and notepad and applauds rapturously.
DUSTIN
Bravo, Mr. Schilling, sir. Bravo!
CURT
Thank you, Dustin. I hope we've all learned a little something here today. What's this?
ERIC GAGNE strolls in the clubhouse, whistling a merry tune, carrying an equipment bag.
ERIC
Hello everyone. I am Monsieur Gagne, I am...how you say?...pleased to meet you. I come from the great land of Quebec, via the barren desert of Arlington, Texas. I am tres happy to be here in your fine city of Bos-ton.
CURT
Who is this clown and what's wrong with his voice?
TIM WAKEFIELD
That's Eric Gagne, Curt. He's our new stud relief pitcher, and that's a French accent. Eric's French-Canadian.
ERIC
C'est vrai.
Curt knocks his podium to the ground with loud clatter, and races across the clubhouse. He grabs Gagne by the shirt collar and pins him up against the clubhouse wall.
CURT
Listen, Frenchy, we don't need your kind here.
ERIC
Mais monsieur, I am not French. I am a proud French-Canadian. Allez les Nordiques! Oui?
CURT
I don't care what you are, Pepe Le Peu. Get your cowardly, art-loving derriere out of our American locker room!
TIM
Curt...Curt...let him go. He's going to be helping our team a lot.
CURT
Shut up, you pinko knuckleballer. Try throwing a God-fearing American fastball, then get back to me.
ERIC
Please, let me go.
CURT
(fake sobs)
Oh...boo hoo...please...please let me go. TYPICAL FUCKING FRENCHMAN. You pussy...is that what you guys said during World War II to the Nazis? Please, sirs, let us go?
ERIC
Actually, I am from Canada, I must point out again...
CURT
And is that what you said when we asked you to help get that evildoer Saddam Hussein out of power? Thanks for your help fighting terrorism, Jacques Cousteau.
ERIC
I must admit, I do not agree with your American crusade in Iraq. Ze cost in human life is not worth...
CURT
THAT'S WHAT I FUCKING THOUGHT.
Curt punches Eric in the stomach, and Eric doubles over in pain. Tim and MIKE LOWELL try to restrain Curt, but he breaks free of their grasp, runs to his locker and grabs his large American flag. He runs back to Eric, still doubled over, and bashes the flag over his head, breaking the wooden pole in half. DAISUKE MATSUZAKA tries to pull Curt away, but Curt turns and stabs him in the arm with the shard of the flagpole.
CURT
That's for Pearl Harbor, asshole.
Curt kicks Daisuke in the balls.
DAISUKE
性交
CURT
And that's for not accepting the Lord Jesus Christ as your personal savior, like I asked you to in spring training.
TIM
Please Curt, this has to stop. You're decimating our pitching staff for the stretch run.
CURT
Well, I guess there is one thing that could calm me down.
TIM
Oh, no. Right here, in front of everyone?
Curt gives Daisuke an Indian burn.
TIM
OK, OK!!
Tim races to the clubhouse phone and calls THEO EPSTEIN.
TIM
Theo, you better get down here. Schilling needs some...uh...attention.
Theo sprints from his office upstairs to the clubhouse. He surveys the damage.
THEO
I'm here, everything's going to be OK. Calm down everybody.
Theo walks up to Curt and gently caresses his cheek.
THEO
Curt, remember how I convinced you to come to Boston in the first place? That one special Thanksgiving? AMERICAN Thanksgiving, that is, not that jacked up Canadian version.
CURT
I remember, T.
Theo drops to his knees in front of Curt, and slowly unzips his pants.
CURT
God bless America.
